The Flu?

I am thinking I may be getting the flu. My glands are sore, I have a weeklong headache, and I feel icky. It's just a crummy day. PA's dog is at the vet after vomitting blood last night. Little miss has the flu. I feel like hell. Overall, pretty lame, even for a Monday. 

I have a French test later this week. I need to write something for Thursday. I need to finish a test for music. I need to get really cracking on my Flannery O'Connor research paper. Too much to do and absolutely no energy with which to do it. This is the part of the school year I hate. I am exhausted, sick, and my motivation flees somewhere warmer than here (54 degrees and raining). 

It's just so hard to maintain enthusiasm sometimes. 

Bone Tired

I feel my age and some today. My very soul seems tired. I am having trouble even talking with any semblance of actual coherence. 

I tried to read the stories for this week's workshop, but I couldn't pay enough attention to get through. I'll have to read them later this week. I need to sit down and try to write again. I am just not feeling it right now. I am just soul tired, I guess. 

I have to decide soon if I am going to try and get into the Squaw Valley workshop. I don't know if I am really good enough to get in. And if I do get in, I don't know how I'll be able to deal with the pressure of bringing something actually good to the table. I am not feeling it right now. I am feeling so very like I just have no talent and nothing to say. Bleh. 

So tired. I need a new day. This one is just done. 

An online literary journal...

I am thinking about the idea of creating an online literary journal through a blog, where friends can post things and we can all comment... Maybe for over the summer, or something. Like an online workshop. Somewhere to get some feedback. 

I'll have to think about it though, it all gets murky about whether that would be considered published or not... I really don't know if it would qualify or not. I mean, nobody reads my blog, but still, I wouldn't want to jeopardize anyone else's chance of being published. 

I am considering sending something out soon. I just don't know if I am ready for a canned rejection of my work. I don't have a fabulous writing self esteem, and I can't imagine how very much I would cry when I get my first rejection slip. Some people in my workshop seem to have such confidence in their work, and I don't seem to have any at all. (I don't really, deep down, think that I am terrible. I just don't think I am particularly good.)

I think that maybe I need to just pretend it isn't my work, but that I am acting as an agent for my second personality, or something. I know it sounds crazy, but perhaps if it isn't me that I wait on pins and needles for, then I'll stay moderately sane about the entire thing. I can't even quite call myself a writer without being vaguely embarrassed, as if I were a child with a nose picking problem, caught with a finger in my nose. I can't quite explain why it makes me embarrassed. It has a lot to do with proof, I believe. I can't really prove it. That I'm a writer. I have no clippings to show, no money made. I think that in my logical, analytical world at work, I always require proof from others. So I feel ashamed that I've none to give, I guess. 

So I require proof. What really defines a writer, though? Is it simply being published? Well, that can't really be it, can it? There are loads of writers that have been published posthumously. I suppose I'll just have to think about it. Maybe I just need to reevaluate what I think a writer really constitutes. Maybe I don't really need to send work out. I can just write and wait to die, hoping that someone will send it out after I'm dead. Perhaps that would be ideal, in any case. 

Ok, it actually works.

I just checked and my previous post went out. How cool is that. This is a really easy way to post. Maybe I'll be doing it a little more often. I think the Dashboard widgets are really fun. I just learned how to play to Soduko and how to make a dirty martini. And I can translate things into Russian. I think I am just about ready to become a spy. 

I can even keep track of what time it is in Casablanca. This is so cool. 

OS X Tiger is nifty.

I just got OS X and I am posting this from Dashboard. How cool is this. Google is awesome. So is Apple. Yay.